i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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