We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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