dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
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There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
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Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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