My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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