i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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