i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Randomize
