Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
