Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
