I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
