I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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