Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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