I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
