I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
