his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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