dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
