Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
