and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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