we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
