btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Randomize
