i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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