If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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