Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize