Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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