You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
