I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
