Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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