you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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