I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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