My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
he thought i was a dude.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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