My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
