Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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