I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
