I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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