yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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