I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
