The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize
