Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
