so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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