I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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