respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
