never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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