I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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