remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
