My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
We need to get me chipped asap
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
