Your face is a jimmy john
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
