I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My balls are so social today.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
