yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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