Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
