i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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