we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My feet surprised me
Randomize
