he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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