he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
