i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
