If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
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And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
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We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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