you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I am one with the molecules
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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