SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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