you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
