i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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